Joy or Pain

I think a lot of people are waiting for me to write out the story of how we got pregnant. And I will- in due time. But rather than introduce our sweetest new addition with smiley faces and exclamation points,  I'm going to be honest. And I apologize in advance if anyone finds this post offensive. In no way, and by no means, am I trying to seem insensitive or ungrateful for this angel baby of ours. I love him/her more and more already every passing day.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am HIGHLY obsessed with pregnant women, pregnant bellies, newborn babies, etc... I always have been. It's like my calling in life- to swoon over pregnant women. I envied the day that I would be just like them. And almost two months ago, the shocker came. It was finally my turn.

I can't complain very much. I haven't been over the top sick.. but I have been sick. So many people try to console me with stories of, "their cousin who had to stay in the hospital twice while she was pregnant cause she couldn't stop barfing." Or try to tell me that, "It could be a lot worse. You should be thankful". And I am. I am thankful that I have had it relatively easy compared to some of the women out there who barely survive the first 3 months of their pregnancy. But the truth is that I still feel sick. And I'm so sick of being sick.
I don't make my husband dinner anymore. I'm not the friendly, bouncy girl I used to be. I want to sleep in until 10:30 every day. I absolutely do not want to take my prenatal vitamins. Every single food I look at, makes me want to barf. You've heard it all before... I've heard it all before! But why didn't I realize that pregnancy isn't all its cracked up to be?

Have you ever seen the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting? Well there is this one lady who wants a baby soooooo badly. It's her biggest dream. And then she gets pregnant. And its like her worst nightmare. I remember when we saw it, Chris said, "You are totally going to be her!"I doubted that with every single bone in my body. But he was right.
Sorry this is crappy quality, but this is her speech. I used to laugh while watching this. Now I just cry.. because it's so freakishly and sadly true.

I got off on a tangent. My point of this post was not to tell you a big sob story or play woe is me. Almost everyone is sick during pregnancy.. I understand that. I was just going to say that I am scared. I am so scared to be a mom. SO over the top excited- but so scared. Everyone says that once you have the baby, it's all worth it. That all the pain you went through, will be worth it. I'm trying to hold on to that idea, but right now, this little trouble-maker of ours has sure brought a lot of pain, sickness, sleepless nights, and fear.

I am so scared for the unknown. I'm scared to find out whether someday I will be crying tears of joy when he goes on a mission, or whether I will be crying tears of utter pain because he chose to drop out of college because he got his girlfriend pregnant. I feel like this baby is already holding my heart in its hands. I should feel more in control. Like my mom always was. Parents love their children so much. But I'm scared of the way he/she will be able to break my heart into pieces with one bad decision. I am kicking myself for not thinking of all these things before.
Now I have no choice. This baby is coming out in July whether I like it or not. And I'll have no choice but to give that baby my entire heart.

So tonight I'm just sitting here in my bed alone, because my poor Robins can't get any sleep in this bed anymore with me tossing, turning, crying, and whining all night. And I'm just hoping, praying to myself,
"Please sweet baby, bring me joy"