Pain.

Remember how I'm that mom who complains about having, "a hard baby"? Well, this past week has given me a guilty slap in the face for ever saying that. 

Will has always been hard, you guys know that. (My blog has been a great place for me to vent and get support from other moms out there who have had difficult babies too. And so I've probably given the blogosphere an ear-full on that subject.. my apologies.) Since the day he was born, he had the most piercing scream. And we actually had several family members comment about it. Both Chris and I's moms mentioned that he sounded like he was in pain. 

At 2 months, we started him on acid reflux medicine and things improved. But Chris and I both felt like there was something more going on. His medicines would work, then not work, we would try something new, and repeat..  and it just felt like it never ended. 

^^ We even tried a chiropractor! Which actually seemed to help a little ^^

So fast forward 9 months. After a lot of sleepless nights, different medicines, frustration, and many tears (his AND mine) later, we are finally getting to the bottom of things.

I took the nugg into his 9 month check-up with guns out and blazing. I was determined to make my pediatrician look further into his "issues." I was sick of the routine answer, "Oh, it's normal at his age, he will grow out of it, blah blah blah." 

I started off crying, and within seconds, got momma-bear-type-angry trying to explain to her why I really truly believed something wasn't right. And guess what? She listened. And I was surprised. Because I didn't actually have any hard evidence, my heart just knew something was wrong. 

So she sent me to Primarys that day to get a chest x-ray. She called back not even two hours later explaining that something was indeed wrong. He was showing signs of severe asthma, there was a thick lining down his airway and around his lungs, and his lungs were hyper inflated. She was confused as to what would be causing that and said that she'd never seen anything similar on a baby so young. So she set up more tests for the next day at Primarys and immediately started him up on SEVEN different medicines.

That night was tough on Chris and I. And you know what's weird? We really didn't talk much. It was like nothing we said to one another would help the situation. So we just laid in our bed, silent, sick with worry. 

So we headed up the next day. As we sat in the waiting room, several babies passed us in little hospital cribs, hooked up to monitors, IV's, etc.. and it was heartbreaking to say the least. I gained a new sense of sympathy and respect for the parents of those babies. Oh, bless all you mommies out there who have to watch your baby go through that kind of situation. 

The test they performed that day was an Upper G.I. fluoroscopy. Basically they tied him down to a board (so traumatic, but he handled it better than expected), and made him drink a dye. He was under a live x-ray so we were able to see the dye go down his throat and into his belly. 

{{Let me rewind really quick. When his pediatrician was explaining this test to me, she said, "I don't normally like to do this test because the majority of the time it doesn't show us anything. Because even if a baby does have reflux, it doesn't always happen during the 15 minute test. But that doesn't mean they don't have it..." So I wasn't really expecting to see anything alarming. }}

So we watched as the dye went down his throat, and pooled into his belly. And only about 3 seconds later, it started coming back up his throat. And then it went back down. And then back up. And back down. Andback up. Repeated about TEN TIMES. My heart sank as I watched. The pain that he had been going through for the past nine months was now visibly evident right in front of me. 

Dr. Hornyik called the next day. "This is a very intense case of reflux. It's rare to see the dye come up even once during the test and Will had 10-12 refluxes in a period of 5 minutes. If he hasn't been screaming through his entire feedings, then he is handling the pain remarkably well. Imagine how you felt during pregnancy with heart burn. He probably feels that way the majority of every day." 

^^ Explains why we've seen way too much of this sad face ^^

We've noticed that Will always clenches his fists really tight while he's eating, or violently scratches at things around him. And now we know that that was probably his way of channeling the pain, so that he could get through each and every feeding. It hurts my heart to even talk about... This sweet boy, who I've constantly complained about, what just hurting. All the time.  

The gist of it is that he has an insane bout of reflux. And when the acid comes up, a small amount spills over into his lungs. So he's aspirating. Which explains why his lungs are in such bad shape. They have been constantly irritated for who knows how long. 

As of right now, we are working on getting his lungs back to normal and trying to get a handle on the reflux. The absolute best outcome would be for him to outgrow it. But as of right now, his pediatrician doesn't think that will be happening until he is at least 2 or 3. So we are praying we can get everything under control with medication. Otherwise, he will have to undergo a pretty brutal surgery to avoid causing permanent damage to his lungs. 

^^ Daily breathing treatments for the next six months. Any mommas have advice on 

how to get a baby to keep the mask on their face? We struggle with this. ^^

I love my little. It's hard to watch an innocent baby go through so much pain and not be able to do much about it. It's definitely made me more tolerant to the crying. Instead of feeling frustration, I just pick him up and hold him through it. 

The good news is that we've seen definite improvements over the last two days! He's been more relaxed and definitely a lot happier. It's such a huge relief to see him feeling better. Wish us luck in hoping that things continue to look up! 

On finding beauty in yourself.

A couple of days ago, our church held a world-wide women's broadcast. This happens twice a year just before general conference. And I'll be honest- sometimes I make it a priority, and other times, "I already have a busy Saturday planned" (excuses..). This year I was able to attend with my mom, sister, and niece. And boy, did I need it.

This saturday, as I was getting ready to leave, I had the worst attitude. Will had been a mess for the past couple hours with teething and a little bit of a cold. I was frustrated and tired. And I was mad at Chris for not being around to help me (t-minus 15 days until tax season is over, praise the heavens). I got the times mixed up and ended up having to rush out the door with baby snot all over my shirt, feeling so not put together.

As I made the drive, I contemplated turning around and going somewhere else. Skipping the broadcast so that I could be alone and wallow in my self-pity. The last thing I wanted to do was sit reverently in a church building with all of this anger built up inside of me. I wanted to be mad.

But something made me keep driving. And I'm so grateful for that, because there was a specific message that I needed to hear that day.

In the talk Sister Oscarson gave she quoted Patricia T. Holland, "The point is, we simply cannot call ourselves Christian and continue to judge one another our ourselves so harshly". That line hit me like a ton of bricks. We all know that judging others is wrong, but do we ever realize it is just as damaging and un-christian like to judge ourselves so harshly?

She went on to say, "We as women can be particularly hard on ourselves. When we compare ourselves to others, we will always feel inadequate or resentful of others... We need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences." I think most all of us can agree that we are harder on ourselves than we are on anybody else. It is such a rare gift to be able to accept ourselves for EXACTLY who we are.

We recently moved into a new home, in a new neighborhood. And it has been a bit of a struggle for me to find exactly where I fit in. I have found myself trying to change a little bit here and there to make friends. Not a lot, but a little.. And WHAT THE HECK. Why as women, do we feel as if we need to change ourselves to fit into a certain stereo-type? It's such a sad and terrible cycle that we put ourselves through.

There is power in loving yourself; in knowing who you are, accepting it, and sharing it with the world. The constant battle in our minds of not being good enough is so degrading not only to our spirits, but to our Heavenly Father, who created us all perfectly. I'm sure it will be a life-long battle, but it is overwhelmingly important nonetheless. 

There is so much more to each of us than how long and thick our hair is, how clean and tidy our house  is, how many miles we can run (or can't), how put together and well-behaved our children are,  how pretty our flower beds look, or how successful we are in our career.
There is a deeper, more profound beauty in each of us. And the most important part isn't that others see it. But that we see it in ourselves. 

These past couple months, I feel like I have been dragging my feet spiritually. In a rut, if you will. And I've found that to be the norm as I look back on my life. I go up and down, and up and down. I will be the first to admit that I need to be more solid in that area of my life. But that's what is so great about having general conference twice a year. It helps keep you on track, and pull you out of your spiritual plateaus.

This Saturday and Sunday, general conference will be held. I encourage everyone to watch and let the messages uplift you. It doesn't matter what religion you may be, the words spoken are for everyone. You can find live sessions at lds.org, or watch them later there as well.

Here's to letting others pick us up when we are dragging- happy Monday everyone!

7 month photos

I knew I wanted to get some pictures taken when Will hit his 6 month mark. But it seems that everything in my life now happens behind schedule... Soooo it was a little later.

I was absolutely sure that I wanted it to be an at-home shoot. I wanted to capture him in his element.  (And I really didn't care too much for a picture of him in a bucket surrounded by basketballs, if you know what I mean.) I knew he would feel more comfortable, and quite frankly, so would I. It took a while of searching for the right photographer (hence the non-6 month pictures), but when I found Harmony's site, I knew she had exactly what I was looking for.  And she also included a few family pictures as well, so that was a total bonus.

Will was a total ham this day- and he loved Harmony. He was seriously flirting with her! I'll let the pictures do the talking.. So without further ado, here are some of Wills SEVEN month pictures.

We feel pretty lucky to call him ours..

Just meh..

... Uhh four months later and I am a HUGE slacker.

Let me just start off by saying that I have no idea what I came here to write about, but I just needed to write. So go along with it... wherever it might go.

The daily tasks of my life (feed baby, change baby, snuggle baby, run errands, make dinner, put baby, chris, and self to bed) haven't changed much- but my baby has. He's HUGE. My heart is breaking at how quickly time is passing. Like.. it's almost time for another baby.. Haha JOKES. Such huge jokes.

Chris and I always tease when people ask us, "Oh, is he your first?" And we're all, "Yep. And our last." Because neither of us can wrap our heads around the possibility of having another baby as feisty as Will. Let me define feisty: Most babies come out, and for the first few days (or weeks) are sleepy, sweet, and don't make too much noise. Will literally came out screaming, and I swear he has never stopped. Okay that's not true. But sometimes I feel that way.

The first two months were the hardest for sure. He cried so much. SOOOO MUCH, you guys. And when we figured out it was acid reflux, we got him on medicine, and things were definitely much better. But then we realized that Will didn't always cry because he felt sick, but because he was very particular. OCD, if you will. He had to be held a very certain way, the blanket had to be swaddled just perfectly, his clothes couldn't fit too snug, you couldn't talk while he was eating, he only liked riding in the car if the car was moving- if I stopped, there was hell to pay. And the list just goes on and on. And on. And he's never been a fusser. He just full-on screams like you cut off a limb or something. And he is loud. Like a grown adult, Will Ferrell kind of loud. You wouldn't believe the amount of concerned looks I've gotten from strangers when he cries in the grocery store..

And 7 months later, not much has changed. He has his preferences, and anything different is absolutely unacceptable. Like the way he sleeps for example. He has to have a pillow under his head (huge no-no, I know), binky in his mouth, one rolled up blanket underneath his knees, one to the right of his face, and his arms have to be out where he can stroke his minky until he falls asleep. You are probably thinking, "Oh gosh, she is just pampering that baby..." But I swear to you, if I tried to sneak even one of those rolled up blankets out, he would have a sheer panic attack. Believe me, I've tried. To say he rules the roost, would be a huge understatement.

I don't always believe in the statement, "God will never give you more than you can handle," but in this particular situation, I kind of do. I am the furthest thing from a perfect mother. But I do believe that God gave Will to us because he knew we could do it. And I'm not sure that all people could. I like to tell myself that I have a pretty strong back bone. And as far as motherhood goes, it has helped me keep my sanity. There have been a lot of times where I simply have to walk away. I can't always give in to his screaming. And I never thought I would be the mom to let her baby "cry it out," but I had to.

The good news is that the crying it out, led him to become the BEST sleeper you can imagine. And I am so grateful for that. He goes to bed at 9:45 and usually wakes up around 8:15. And then, proceeds to take FOUR NAPS every day. And not just short naps. His first two naps are usually 1 1/2 - 2 hours. And the second two are like 45 minutes. Truly amazing.

The bad news is that his acid reflux that he was supposedly suppposed to grow out of around 6 months, is still just as alive as ever. He keeps gaining immunity to his medicines.. so he is now on 2 different meds a day, and two packets of probiotics. It kills me to give my baby so many medicines. It just doesn't feel right, ya know? So we started taking him to a chiropractor for a more natural method, and he LOVED IT. He works on his little belly and it actually seemed to be working. So we slowly started taking him off his meds. Bad idea. It's been a rough couple of days, and needless to say, he is back on the medicine. We're looking into seeing a specialist. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of it.

I don't even know where I'm going with this, all I know is that today has been "one of those days," where you feel like a bad mom. Like if you hear one more scream, you'll pull all of your hair out. And maybe even your fingernails. He is truly the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. So why is it so hard to have as much patience as I need to have?
Gosh, that kid.. Good thing he is dang cute.

Okay, rant over. And don't worry- I love my baby :)

In other news: tax season has begun. Other accountants wives had tried to mentally prepare me for a lonely 4 months, but I definitely didn't know just how lonely it would be. Chris is gone before I wake up and returns home an hour before we go to bed. Luckily Will goes to sleep pretty late, so he is able to see him for a while before he goes down.

This has resulted in me watching way too much t.v. at night. Just trying to pass the time until Robins gets home. My new addiction is My 600 pound life. Have you seen it?! It's good, I'll tell you that much. And it kinda makes you feel a little better about your non-600-pound-self. Don't you love trash t.v.?

Baby boy is crying so I gotta go. I'll post a pic of my bald head tomorrow ;)

Oh, and yesterday I did 9 loads of laundry. NINE. Just think about that for a while..

My not-so-perfect self.

Soooooooooo. I just want to address something.

The other day a friend of mine told me she had another friend (whom I don't really know) who just thought I had this perfect little life. And that it made her feel bad to look at my pictures/blog/instagram.

I instantly felt sick. NO NO NO NOO.

We all know those girls who just post pictures of their perfect life, perfect husband, perfect baby, perfect cooking skills, perfect home decor, perfect outfits, etc... And guess what? It DOES make you feel bad. It makes you feel bad that your life isn't where theirs is at. And it makes you wonder WHY.

Example: Pinterest. I can't hardly stand to get on pinterest. Cause I always end up shutting my computer feeling jealous, poor, non-crafty, and not nearly as pretty as all of those girls with their beautiful, long, lush hair.

I vowed a long time ago to never be one of those girls who paints out their lives to be picture-perfect to others. To make others feel as if I don't have struggles or insecurities. Because frankly- I have plenty.

It's hard to share your problems with others. You don't want anyone to think less of you. You don't want your secrets to cheapen your personal value. I get it. And maybe I've put up too much of a front lately..

But here's the thing- and here's where it's different for me. I believe that seeing other peoples flaws only makes me love them more. I can relate to them. I realize they are just as human as I am. And I feel that maybe they will be forgiving of MY shortcomings because they've been there too.

That being said- I don't think the public internet is exactly the right place to open my closet and show you all of my skeletons. But guess what? They are there. And as much struggle and heartache as they cause, I don't feel bad that I have weaknesses. They humble me and help me to realize that I can never stop working to improve myself.

My life is far from perfect. I have been blessed with FAR more than I deserve. But that does not make me perfect. I never want to seem insensitive to anyones' hardships or trials.  And I absolutely never ever never want anyone to feel bad about themselves when they read my blog, follow my insta, etc.

Life is full of trials, and I truly do believe that we are all given an equal amount in different ways. But maybe we should all be a little more proud of our weaknesses and forget about making our lives look so glamorous on the outside.

Because life with flaws and hardships, IS a perfect life.

Month 2 & 3

A lot of people ask me, "So.. what do you do all day? Do you just get so bored being a stay-at-home mom?" And honestly- the last word that comes to my mind about being at home with my sweet baby is boring. My days ZIP by and before I know it, Chris is coming home from work and we only have what seems like a couple short hours together before we go to bed and start our routine all over again.

I just want to press pause on our lives right now. When did my newborn turn into a 3 MONTH OLD?! Blah blah, you've heard every mom say the same thing.. But I just can't get over how quickly it all happens.

I was eyeball-deep in moving during Will's second month of life, so I never documented anything. So let me do a quick recap:

Month 2:

• At 7 weeks, Will slept through the night for the first time. I remember waking up at 6:30 and thinking he was probably dead in his crib. I was so scared to go check on him, but when I did, he was just happily snoozing away. It was a little off and on for a couple weeks, but he is finally consistently sleeping 9-10 hours a night. And sometimes I have to wake him up at 10:00 a.m.! I definitely contribute his sleeping pattern to Baby Wise. I am so happy that we chose to do a sleep training program with Will. It has made both of our lives so much easier. For all of you expectant mothers out there, I would most definitely recommend that you read the Baby Wise book and implement it into your little ones life. 
• As many of you know, Will was a screamer. Bless his little heart.. and lungs for that matter. After trying several things to help him with no avail, we finally decided to try acid reflux medicine. BINGO. Our lives took a complete 180 after that. Fussy baby no more. 
• Around 8 weeks he started smiling. GAHHH. The best. No better feeling than knowing your baby is happy.
• At his 2 month appointment, Will was in the 95th percentile for height and 91st percentile for weight. Can you say BIG BOY? Chris has high hopes for a tall boy ;)
• Will ate his first food. A band-aid. Let me tell you the quick version of the story. He got an ingrown fingernail. So I called the pediatrician and she said- and I QUOTE- "Cut it out with his little fingernail clippers (so much easier said than done), put some neosporin on it to prevent infection, and then make sure to cover it with a band-aid so that he doesn't try to suck off the neosporin.." So I completed all of the above. including putting a tiny band-aid on his finger. And guess what I found in his diaper two days later? Yep.. you guessed it. I almost died when I saw it in there. That little bugger wasn't going to let that band-aid stop him from getting to that neosporin. So sick. Thank the heavens he didn't choke on it.

{<9 weeks & 11 weeks>}

 {2 month appointment. I was TERRIFIED of the traumatizing shot experience, but he handled it like a champ}

{This chubba belly is always hangin out}

 {The smiles}

{Grandpa Brown and Grandpa Jepsen. Who does he look like?}

Month 3:

• Starting to jabber. But not really a quiet talk jabber. Mostly just yells at us. Not in a mean way.. just a loud way.
• Recognizes mom and dad. I LOVE this. Of course I want him to go to other people easily, but its such a rewarding feeling to be the only one who can comfort and calm him. 

Some of Wills favorite things: 

• His thumb. At first I was afraid to let him do it in fear that it would be an awful habit to break. But it's just so stinkin cute that I can't get myself to pull it out. So... live and let suck. See what I did there? 

• His blanky. Oh how he loves his blanky. One in specific- black and minky. I wanted him to have an item of comfort that he could have with him whenever he was away from home, so I kind of trained him. And it totally worked! Whenever he seems tired, I just grab his blanky and hold it next to his face and he immediately cuddles in and falls asleep. Perfect. 

{Always has to be touching his face}

• The bath (still). This kid lives to take a bath. The moment I dip his little body into the water, he just goes limp and floats in my hands. He gets in this daze and just looks around with a little smirky on his face. Haha. Its the funniest. 

{3 months}

{So nice to finally have a yard to play in. This little one loves fresh air}

{Kallee and Will. Matching cousins}

{Teaching him young  {{USU}}  Our little Aggie}

I don't know if I will ever get used to being a mom. There will always be something new to learn and ways to improve my parenting. This little boy is teaching me some serious patience. And at the same time, teaching me how to love more than I knew I could. It's amazing how such a tiny little person can put your entire life into perspective.


I love you my little Will, I can't wait to watch you grow.